happiness

it's been long since i ever blogged even though i said i will start updating it regularly............... but i doubt there is anyone reading this space still. school have been really busy but i'm glad my poly life have unofficially came to an end before the start of uni.

so the purpose of me coming back to this space today its because i have some thoughts that i wish to pen it down. it brings unhappiness when i start ranting on twitter so i have concluded that this space will be of a good choice for me since its a dead space and i doubt anyone will read it.

happiness, what does it mean to everyone? i assumed everyone have their own definition of happiness and for me it's simple - my happiness is about having my other half with me and most importantly, him to be well and healthy. i need no gifts and surprises constantly, honestly. i mean ya, who doesn't love gifts and surprises? i'm a girl and i admit i love it but if all these means sacrificing my partner's health then i would rather not have it. i am not someone that sacrifices my partner's health just for that few seconds, minutes or maybe hours of happiness. how can all these happiness be compared to having a healthy partner? for my partner to be healthy and well, without skipping any meals just to save up for gifts to surprise me, is all i ever ask for in a relationship. oh and of course, him being sincere and truthful, and loving me for who i am wholeheartly is also something i asked for. this 4 things is all i need in a relationship, is that simple. but does anyone understand this and know what i really want? i doubt so.

i hate how at times, i'm being misunderstand and being pictured in another way that i hate to be. even after explaining and explaining, things don't change. it probably change for a few days but when shits happen, all these come back and i swear, it hurts, really. no words can describe how much i hate being pictured in another way that i am not. i hate being what you have pictured me as, so why would i do something i don't want myself to be? annoyed, pissed, hurt and any other words you can think of are just understatement. i don't know how to feel but i know i will never failed to flare up whenever such shits happen because it clearly shows your understanding towards me. just who am i, and what am i in your eyes? i really wish to know.

at times i wish i can read your mind, but then i'm afraid to because they are so scary. your thoughts are so scary then it ruins me and probably us......................... i know i have to love you for who you are and being understanding but who will ever understand the pain that i am going through? i don't suffer any lesser. i love you and i really do, but i hate being treated this way and feeling this way, it's just so unfair.......................

i'm sad, i'm hurt and i'm broken. i wish all these misery will come to an end but i'm pretty sure it will happen again and it's just a matter of time. but for now, i just wish i'm stronger, and i have to learn to be strong to overcome all these obstacles, right? really hoping all these will never happen ever again. i miss the old you. to a better future ahead for us, i love you..................